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| HUMOR: The High School Mascot |
| Louis Cannon | 3/2/10 |
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| Back to the News Summaries |
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Dr. Frank Lee, the young, good-looking principal at Stinkwater Springs High School, seemed particularly good-looking on Friday afternoon during a news conference in the school auditorium. The three members of the news media in attendance — a very modest, although typical, turnout for these types of announcements — did their best to fill up the 400 seat auditorium by spreading coats, hats and camera bags over as many front row seats as possible.
The only other person in the audience was an older lady — perhaps in her late 70s — in a navy blue nylon jacket, sitting in the far end of the front row. None of the reporters recognized her. She had a nondescript brown dog sitting on the seat next to her, with a yellow leash attached to his collar.
“Thank you all for attending,” Dr. Lee began, standing alone on the bare stage, his hands lightly gripping the microphone stand in front of him. “We’re making an effort to invite the media to these kinds of announcements, sort of our way of reaching out to the community — the larger community, not just the kids and parents. So thanks for being here. All of you.”
 Dr. Lee had been the captain of his college debating team and had, early on, developed a talent for making is audience feel as if he admired them immensely. That talent had proved quite useful with the debate competition judges, and later on, at job interviews.
“As you no doubt already know, the Stinkwater Springs High School has a long and noble tradition of sports excellence, including six Colorado state championships over the past 85 years — two in volleyball, one in wrestling, and three in cheer leading. And we’re real proud of our athletes. Real proud. The same way we are proud of our local news reporters — but you boys already know about that.
”It’s precisely because of that sense of pride that our School Board has made a carefully considered decision...” Dr. Lee paused ever so slightly, for emphasis, “...to change our school’s Sports Team name.”
The reporters in the audience squirmed a bit in their seats. Could Dr. Lee be serious? Or had the young principal, maybe, been smoking something out in the parking lot?
Change the Sports Team name?
The Stinkwater Springs athletic teams had been known to its students — and to the world — as the “Bloody Pirates” for the past 85 years.
Kids proudly wore Bloody Pirate t-shirts to class, and decorated their binders and backpacks with “Skull and Crossbones” artwork.
The walls of the school gymnasium were decorated with huge paintings of the school mascot, the Bloody Pirate, robbing, stabbing and generally dismembering the mascots of neighboring high schools: the Bayview Brewers, the Tampico Tigers, the Cordova Cougars.
At basketball and football games, the crowd often rose to its feet to chant out the popular team yell, “We want blood. We want blood. We want blood.”
Dr. Lee continued. “The ‘Bloody Pirate’ has been a symbol of our school’s fighting spirit since before you and I were born — he was the very symbol that energized my grandparents who attended school here in Stinkwater Springs, in fact.
"So the School Board is not taking this decision lightly. Not by a long shot.
“But times have changed here in Stinkwater Springs. And I certainly don’t have to remind you boys of that fact. Times have changed. Back when I was playing on the ‘Bloody Pirate’ football team — back in 1985, the year we took second at State, as you probably remember — back then, we were allowed to carry sharpened, metal swords and loaded muskets on School Spirit Days. Those were pretty fun times.
”But like I said, times have changed, and we’re having some issues around kids carrying weapons to school — and I know none of us disagree with those new policies — am I right on that one? Student safety comes before team spirit.
"That’s just how things need to be, nowadays. We all understand that, and we accept it and embrace it.
“And the School Board got to thinking, maybe the ‘Bloody Pirate’ wasn’t such an appropriate symbol for our school kids to be embracing. As much as we have all loved it over the years. Maybe it’s time for a new kind of spirit here at SSHS.
“And there’s other good reasons for making a change — not just about the violent image — but for the good of the economy. By changing our team name and mascot, we’re going to generate a lot of business for Roy’s T-Shirt Shoppe downtown. Roy’s always been one of the school’s biggest boosters, and he could use some additional business during this economic downturn. But that was just a minor consideration for the School Board. Very minor.
“The main issue was — well, school violence just isn’t as acceptable as it used to be. We don’t want kids getting stabbed and shot nowadays. Not that we ever did. But the ‘Bloody Pirate’ is maybe not the best symbol for a modern school sports team, here in the 21st century.
“With that said, I am very pleased to present the new mascot for Stinkwater Springs High School — for the 2010-2011 school year!”
Dr. Lee directed everyone’s attention to the little old lady sitting at the end of the front row.
What? The new team mascot was a little old lady with a dog?
“Gentlemen, the new SSHS mascot, Daisy the Drug Dog.”
The little old lady stood up and the reporters could now see, emblazoned on the back of her nylon jacket in bold white lettering, the initials “DEA.”
The plain brown female dog jumped down off her seat and paced the carpeted floor excitedly, tugging on her leash ever so slightly, as if she recognized that this was her moment of fame.
“Gentlemen, meet Daisy the Drug Dog, and her trainer, Ms. Alice Fitzwell. Daisy has been sniffing out illegal substances in our school lockers and classrooms for the past two years, and I’m pleased to say, the kids have become very fond of her.”
Dr. Lee was telling the truth. The students at SSHS had become extremely fond of the playful, friendly drug-sniffing dog in recent months, ever since they’d discovered that she was, in fact, unable to detect most types of drugs hidden inside a locker, so long as the package was wrapped in a sheet of Bounce laundry softener.
The students were somewhat less fond of Officer Fitzwell, who had an annoying habit of helping herself to students’ French Fries off their lunch trays.
“We think Daisy is going to make a fine school mascot, and we look forward to next year, when our school teams can frighten their opponents, not as the ‘Bloody Pirates’ but as the ‘Stinkwater Drug Dogs.’ The School Board thinks this change will highlight to the world that SSHS is serious about keeping our campus safe and drug-free. And I think we can all agree, that is the right message to be sending.
“Officer Fitzwell — and Daisy, of course — have agreed to stay as long as necessary, to answer questions from the press.
“Just make sure you boys don’t have anything incriminating in your pockets," Dr. Lee smiled slightly. "Daisy’s nose is very sensitive. That’s what we love about her.”
The three reporters quickly packed up their things and, nodding politely in Daisy's direction, hurried out of the auditorium. |
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